Let’s Talk Friendships
Making new friends in Midlife has its challenges and maybe that’s ok. It makes the friends you already have that much more precious.
I just returned from a weekend girl’s trip with three of my college roommates. J83 as we have affectionately named our group text was the apartment number we shared in Gainesville when we were all at the University of Florida. It was by chance we were put together in an off-campus apartment as the dorms were overflowing. Kristin and Suzanne had already lived together for two years on campus and decided it was time for an apartment. Our first year we had another roommate who I went to high school with but she moved to Mississippi and Ginger filled her spot. That year was one of the most fun of my college career. The four of us clicked and forged a bond that has survived years and miles and absences before I reconnected with the three of them on Facebook. We attribute our connection to the fact that we are all different in our birth order so the relational dynamic fits. Kristin is the oldest, Ginger is the middle, Suzanne is the baby and I for all intents and purposes was an only. Whatever the psychological reasons, it’s always worked. Sometimes it’s hard to articulate why you click with another person. But when you do you hold on tight.
I feel like it’s been harder for me to make friends in midlife. I don’t have the built-in connector of children. Whether you like them or not, you get to meet a lot of other moms on the soccer field and the school pickup line. One of the hardest parts of moving away from Southern California was the friends I had who had become like family to me since my family was so far away. 15 years of building cherished memories with wonderful, strong woman was going to be hard to replicate. I think my military upbringing prepared me to be comfortable with saying goodbye for now knowing that for me it didn’t mean forever. I still make a point to see my close friends in California when we go back for work or for visits. Those friendships are still important to me no matter the miles.
I met a couple of women in the first building I lived in when I moved to New York and I think I was eager for them to be those lifelong friends only to be disappointed that they were not in fact, “my people”. Because I don’t have a typical office job, I didn’t have the built-in friend-maker of work. I did meet a dear friend through a small group at church and she is one of my New York people, although she moved to Jersey and I rarely get to see her. I’ve met one woman at my gym and I knew from the minute I saw her in spin class she and I would be friends. I made a point to chat with her after class and we’ve enjoyed a friendship that is also now stretched by distance since she moved to Florida. I’ve met two amazing women through mutual friends and while one has moved back to Santa Barbara and the other is living in the Hamptons for the summer, I still consider them to be some of my closest friends day to day. Maybe the problem is not that making friends in midlife is challenging, it’s that making friends that don’t leave New York is the problem.
Kristin made the comment after our weekend that “her life is full but she misses regular interaction with people she has long-term history with.” Such a profound statement made me ponder our connections as friends. Some of my best friends are people I went through significant times in life with. My high school besties who I often only see once a year at most but who I would do anything for. My J83 ladies who I lost for a long time and when we reconnected, picked up with weekly Zoom calls through the pandemic and yearly girl’s trips to make up for lost time. My best baseball wife friends and I text regularly and have three-hour lunches laughing and catching up. My gym bestie was sure I was going to disappear from her life when I moved but couldn’t get rid of me even if she tried. Every time we go to SoCal I show up at the gym at 9 am like I’ve never left. I’ve been through STUFF with those people and stuff creates bonds that cannot be broken without some effort or dysfunction. I’m so grateful for each and every one of them and thankful it’s been a two-way street in keeping those friendships growing throughout a lifetime of seasons.
Maybe it’s ok that making new friends isn’t as easy as ordering a coffee at Starbucks. As I shared in my post about people pleasing, I don’t need to add friends that don’t bring value to my life. I’m a quality-over-quantity person. What I do know is friendship takes time and effort and at this stage in life, most people are just really busy. I will stay open to meeting new people and hold on tight to the ones that I click with. But after reflecting on friendship for this post maybe I just need to make more time for the friends I already have. Who wants to come for dinner this weekend? The door is always open.
