Let’s Talk People Pleasing.
People pleasing gets to be exhausting when you no longer remember who you are and what you want.
I grew up as an only child and a product of divorce which pretty much guaranteed I would become a people pleaser. True to form I always wanted people to like me, I rarely stood up for myself when I was feeling taken advantage of and I smiled more than I should have to cover up my real feelings. “I’m fine” became a well-worn response like a wool sweater that feels cozy when you first put it on but later starts to itch and irritate because it was never actually true. It cost me thousands of dollars in therapy to unravel all the patterns that were unhealthy for me, but I did it and it was worth every penny. I’m still an optimistic person and I generally choose to see the best in people. I don’t go out of my way to make people dislike me but I no longer bend myself into a version that is pleasing to you but unpalatable to me. I think age has reinforced this lesson again and again, solidifying my desire to like me more than I care if you like me.
When I first dipped back into the dating pool, I got my first taste of this lesson. Let’s just get it out of the way, dating has its challenges. No one is immune to the apprehensiveness that comes with meeting someone who society wants to be your “soul mate”. So much pressure. I had gone out with a few guys and nothing had quite clicked. I remember coming home after a lovely evening of engaging conversation, good laughs, and a contented feeling of “that went so well”. And I never heard from him again. I believe the term is now ghosting. I was so confused. Hadn’t he seemed interested? Yes. Hadn’t he laughed at my humor? Yes. Did he seem genuinely interested and understanding of my past relationships? Yes. And then the insecure questions started. Did I scare him with dreams to travel Europe? Did my history turn him off? Did I talk too much? Did he not like that I was changing careers? Did, did, did…..STOP. I decided I didn’t care. I was a 35-year-old woman with a past. A past that I was perfectly comfortable with but with a future that was going to look very different. I would not play games and pretend like I had nothing to say or offer. If my past or my experiences were too much for you then you were not my “soul mate” because I cannot change any of that. If I had made any different decisions along the way, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you having dinner. I decided then and there that I was just going to be me. I would rather not be liked for who I actually am, than liked for some version of me I think you want. I don’t need to please you, I need to BE me.
This became even more apparent when I started dating my now husband. His divorce was messy and there were a lot of his friends who “took sides” as the dust settled. There was one couple he was close to who feigned neutrality and were cordial and even welcoming to me on the few occasions we were at the same events for Scott’s daughter. It could have been the fact that I was on their turf, that they were diplomatic enough to be friendly. Or it could have been they wanted to get a closer look at Scott’s new girlfriend. Whatever the case I naively made the assumption that they were genuine and while the husband was less personable, the wife, who had grown up as a sister to Scott made me feel welcome. She even accepted my Facebook friend request, which I thought was a good sign. And then she unfriended me. And then she accepted it again. And again promptly unfriended me, at which point I took the hint. I didn’t need to cause friction between her and her friend, Scott’s first wife, I just mistakenly took her fake affability for maturity in a tough situation. But the people pleaser in me was hurt that I had read her wrong and she didn’t actually want to be my friend too. It didn’t take me long to unpack how I really felt about the situation and remind myself that friendship is a two-way street.
“Why do I care if she likes me when I don’t think I really like her?” I thought to myself. What an epiphany. What was I trying to prove, only to befriend someone I wouldn’t actually want to be friends with in any other scenario? I don’t find her trustworthy, we don’t care about the same things, and I find her shallow and inauthentic. Who in their right mind would want to add a person like that to their circle? Not this reformed people pleaser. And with that, the striving to fit into their world ended as quickly as it began. Will I be cordial if my bonus daughter invites both of us to the same event in the future? Of course, I will. I have nothing to prove and can be my authentic, amiable self. I like me and in that sense, it’s not really my concern if you like me. I am going to be my most genuine and the people who are meant to be in my circle will find me.
What a profoundly freeing lesson to learn and one I think can only come with years, and maybe a little therapy if you don’t want to wait that long.
