Let’s Talk Second Marriage
Ideally, you learn from your mistakes and figure out how to ride that bull longer the second time around.
Second Rodeo for me and my man!
These two lovebirds are celebrating their 6th wedding anniversary….with Covid.
What was supposed to be a cute little getaway to Treetopia in the Catskills for glamping has ended up being chicken soup, mucinex and netflix in bed. Here we are again. Weren’t we passed this? Isn’t Covid not supposed to be a thing anymore? Well dang it if it didn’t catch my husband for the second time. But this post isn’t about the Rona. It’s about the beauty of a second marriage. We like to affectionately call it our Second Rodeo. We even thought about making that phrase our vanity plate on the car in California, but went with our other favorite inside joke of Oklahoma (OKLHMA for the sake of vanity plate space.)
In honor of our 6th anniversary here are six things I’ve learned about marriage the second time around.
1. Communication is key. This took some hammering out at the beginning for us. I was not a good communicator and Scott needs to talk things out. I never want to react to a situation so I sometimes need time and space to sit with what I’m feeling and get to the root of it so I can articulate that and not some knee-jerk reactive feeling. Scott prefers to get to a solution in real-time. That took some getting used to on both sides but once we found a rhythm, I could communicate that I needed some time to sort through the situation and he could trust that I wouldn’t sweep it under the rug. In time we were able to have some really thoughtful and important conversations where both of us felt heard and we moved forward on the same team.
2. You have to have a sense of humor. I mean does this even go without saying? Life is rough and you will cry a lot if you can’t find something to laugh about. Scott and I laugh together. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, we laugh at others, we laugh at the craziness we see on New York streets and we laugh at life. Even with the Rona spoiling our plans this weekend, while I know Scott was feeling frustrated and crappy, I found my store run quite humourous. Nothing says Happy Anniversary like chicken broth and Nyquil. Cheers love!
3. It’s important to love each other where we are and also encourage each other to keep growing. Whether it is physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually we will both learn and grow and change over the years and we want those changes to be for the better of each of us as individuals and together as a couple. Growth is super important to me and I try to lead by example and not by nagging. Nobody wants to live with a nag. My more covert methods include handing Scott a glass of green juice with a smile, whether he asked for it or not. He usually obliges. He drew his line in the sand with kale but otherwise mostly accommodates my health kicks.
4. Life and Marriage is not a Rom-Com even when you have a sense of humor. The movie always ends where it actually should begin. I want to see how they navigate the rest of their life. Happily ever after is when the rubber hits the road. The mundane daily is when you better hope you’ve done the work on yourself and your partner has done the same so that you both want the same things in life and are willing to work together toward them. I learned a long time ago that love does not in fact conquer all. What conquers all is commitment, communication, patience, humor, honesty, trust, growth, and teamwork. With those, you might at least have a fighting chance.
5. You want to find someone you actually like to spend time with. Two people can get together for a myriad of reasons or attractions. Not all of them are healthy. But when you work on yourself and sort through your own nonsense it gives you a better chance of coming to any relationship more whole, with no need for someone else to fill the empty spots in you or work out parental disfunction with. When you are whole you have a better idea of what makes you happy and what you like to do. While you’re single doing those things you come across other people who like to do those things too. Of course, you might try new things that a potential partner is interested in and you might introduce them to new things as well. Exploring the world together is one of the great things about being in a relationship. Although I enjoy time with my friends and family there is no one in the world I’d rather explore with than Scott. And thankfully he’s up for almost any adventure I can come up with.
6. Respect is really important. It’s vital to respect yourself. If you don’t then your partner won’t either. If you do, then if your significant other disrespects you, you can clearly see there needs to be some communication. You won’t question behavior that is hurtful, you will be able to spot it a mile away. I don’t think I had enough respect for myself in my first marriage and I allowed behavior that was very damaging to our relationship. By the time Scott and I got together I had done therapy and lived a very satisfying life to that point and I liked and respected myself and the person I had become. It was very easy for me to set clear boundaries on what I would and would not tolerate. He often compliments me on my self-awareness and I know he respects me as a woman. He shows it in the way he treats me as his partner and equal.
I’m truly grateful for the life we are building together. The ups and downs, the sickness and health, the adventure and mundane. We don’t have all the answers but we are on the same team and we both know the other has our back. That’s a gift in this crazy uncertain world and we don’t take that for granted.
