Let’s Talk Cohabitating
Two adults with plenty of life lived, learning to cohabitate can have its challenges.
Does your significant other leave stuff out? Like all the time. Will he take something out of the cabinet put it on the counter, walk away, and not put it back? Will he take his shirt off after the day is over and hang it over something only to let it sit there for days on end? Will he take the paper towels out from under the sink to use one and then leave them on the counter until eternity? No? Because mine does and it makes me bat shit crazy sometimes. To be fair my first husband was a neat freak and things had to be in their place which is how I like my space as well. He also had a penchant for shopping so even if it was orderly there was still stuff all over the place, albeit it in neat piles which also drove me batshit crazy. I mean how many T-shirts/hats/shoes does one really need? Umm scratch that last one, I have a weakness for shoes as well. I also have a condo of shoe cubes in my closet to keep them organized and free of dust. The point is clutter makes me mad and I don’t always mean angry. I mean losing my mind, “We’re all mad here” Cheshire cat mad. I am truly flabbergasted at the difficulty of putting something back when you take it out of its place. One of my all-time favorite memes is Sam Jackson with a giant smile that reads “ You call it OCD, I call it put the Motherfucking thing back where it belongs.” Preach it my brother Sam! For someone who purports to be home-centered as a Cancer, it always dumbfounds me when my wonderful husband does the laundry (no that’s not the dumbfounding part, he is very much a partner when it comes to household responsibilities) and he puts things away but doesn’t, for example actually hang the towels where they were before he did the laundry. He doesn’t put a hand towel back on the rack, they are all folded in a pile in the bathroom. They’ve been hung the same way for 5 years and yet he doesn’t seem to care to style them so the bathroom looks orderly. I’m an only child for all intents and purposes, I like orderly.
This week there was the Pine-Sol bottle and brush that found their way to the ledge of the bathtub. I thought I heard him scrubbing something and I caught a whiff of that fresh piney scent so I was confused when it was still sitting there later in the day when he had been back at his desk for a couple of hours. He’s notorious for this, mind you, so my irritation rose a little when I saw it. “Why can’t he put stuff away,” I thought to myself. Being tired of feeling like there are days when I just go behind him and pick up after him, I let it sit there. He’s an adult, if he’s done with it he can put it back where it belongs under the sink with the cleaning supplies. Maybe he plans to clean the tub later, I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt. But the longer it sat there, the more I thought about what it was saying. On days when I was gracious, it was just that he’s forgetful and male and has a keen sense of selective eyesight, similar to selective hearing that the male species is known for. On days when I wasn’t as affable, there were other things that Pine-Sol bottle said to me.
“He can’t be bothered to clean up after himself and thinks you should do it.”
“If he leaves me here long enough you will clean the tub without him asking you to help.”
“It doesn’t matter what you have on your list of things to get done today, you should deal with me.”
“You know he sees me sitting here every time he comes into the bathroom too.”
More often than not, that bottle was a jerk. It started to make me look at my husband like a jerk too and I know he’s not so I had to address it.
Here’s the thing. We are all adults at this point and we get to set our lives up the way it best suits us. There are some partnerships that are super traditional and ideally, both partners are happy with it that way. I don’t have any aspirations to be solely a homemaker, cleaning the house, cooking all the meals, doing the laundry, or managing all the pet care and bills. I also don’t necessarily want to be the sole breadwinner with a stress-filled job that requires 70 or more hours a week. I wanted a partner and a partner is a fully functioning adult who knows how to cook and make a bed and generally does not live in squalor, because that laundry is filled with both our clothes and I am not your mother. It is not my job to follow behind you and pick up everything you set down. It’s a partnership and I don’t expect you to follow me around either. I’m sure there are things I do that drive my husband bonkers too. That’s the nature of two mature (in years that is) adults living under one roof, having grown up with different backgrounds and full lives before we even got together. You get set in your ways, you like things the way you like them. Ideally, well-functioning partners know how to communicate and compromise.
I learned a year or two back that I had to stop getting annoyed that Scott would leave freshly dried clothes in the hamper after he brought them from the laundry room, because duh, wrinkles. Instead, I would just help and take over when it was time to fold. I was super appreciative that he would regularly start laundry so as his partner I could do the part that I actually really enjoy which is folding. After so many years working in retail, I am a ninja folder. Perfect little vertical stacks of t-shirts you could stick straight on the wall at any Gap or JCrew. It’s very calming and meditative for me to fold so we found a compromise. We both do the part we like and we both get clean clothes and sheets out of the deal and who doesn’t love clean sheets?
