Let’s Talk Blended Families

In Mid-life your chances of being in a blended family can be high.

Let's talk Blended Families

I have two excellent sets of parents. After my mom and dad divorced when I was 8, they both went on to date people who were wrong for them, as you do when you’re young and still trying to figure out life. But then when I was twelve, my dad met a very nice woman. They had mutual friends that connected them after a particularly unhappy trip to Europe my dad went on with his then-girlfriend. When he got back he told said girlfriend he was done and would not be coming to pick her up from the airport. She didn’t believe him and called the house where dad was hanging out with friends, to which he reiterated to her that they were done and retreated back to his pool floaty. Janet had already arrived and witnessed the whole thing but thankfully she thought he was cute enough to stick around. They’ve been married for 40 years. 

I hit the jackpot of stepmoms or SMOM’s. My friend Sarah coined the moniker, SDAD for my stepdad who she met soon after I moved to New York and it translates in both instances. Janet has been a friend and confidant and has treated me like her own daughter from day one while not usurping my mother’s importance in my life. My mom is my best friend and it was just the two of us for many years with my dad’s career moving him from where we had settled after their divorce. She dated her fair share of jerks, not understanding her worth and value for reasons only known to her. But she met Gary when I was finishing college and they too have enjoyed a long and happy second marriage. I hit the jackpot of SDAD’s as well. Gary and I have bonded over years of travel and adventure and he treats me like his own daughter as well. How did I get so lucky?

It’s given me an enlightened blueprint for how to be with someone who has children from a previous relationship, which in your forties can be a high percentage. It never scared me to date a man with kids, but I have friends for whom that is a deal-breaker. I have known other friends who have dated and subsequently married partners with children and they can’t stand them. I think they often wish the kids would just go away. I never understood that. When you are an adult, you have to be really honest with yourself and with your partner about that topic in particular and not take it out on the children that had no say in the matter.

When I first started dating Scott, I knew he had two daughters and because of the messiness of his divorce, they soon decided that they didn’t want to speak to him. One of the things I learned from my parent’s divorce because they did it well was to never talk badly about the other parent. I can remember single instances with each of my parents when in their frustration at the moment they lashed out within earshot of me. Once from each of them was it. Trust me when I say there were probably numerous other times when they were angry and unkind, I mean hello they got divorced for a reason. But they never voiced that in front of me or to me or expected me to hold their hurt and their anger. That is not a child’s role and they should never be put in that position. It harms them in ways that aren’t always evident. If a parent is dysfunctional or nasty or narcissistic or selfish the child will figure that out on their own, they don’t need you to point it out. They don’t have the emotional maturity to separate your words about their other parent and the parts of them that came from that parent. If you are a parent, bite your fucking tongue and talk about it with your therapist, not your kid. 

Now to be fair, when I started dating Scott his kids were teenagers. I am sure each stage of growing up brings its own set of challenges when there is a divorce and a new significant other enters the picture. I was 13 when my dad and smom got married. They picked the weekend of my first junior high school dance so I missed it and the chance to be seen by a ninth-grade boy who I had a giant crush on. We rode the bus every day and I was sure if he saw me at the dance we would be going together by Monday. Alas, I was in Texas, crying my eyes out while my dad made promises I didn’t understand to a woman who was not my mom. That was the final confirmation that my parents were never getting back together. Nail in the coffin as they say. I still jokingly tease my parents about how they ruined my life at 13 (drape arm dramatically across brow), making me miss that dance (large exaggerated sigh) and how different my life would be. Mama J, as I affectionately call her finally called my bluff a few years ago with a laughing “oh give it a rest.” I finally gave it a rest. Their marriage has lasted way longer than that crush did.

I’m doing my best as a SMOM. As I love a good baseball metaphor, sometimes I hit it out of the park, sometimes I bauble the ball in the infield, and sometimes I call the umpire a cocksucker. IYKYK. I didn’t get an official step-parent manual with the do’s and don’ts and I imagine just like in parenting there will be perspectives on situations that no one will agree on. But I’m showing up. I’m trying to be an example of a different kind of mom, not a replacement for the one she has. I want her to see a woman who takes care of her needs as well as those of her loved ones. A woman who sets goals for herself and asks for the support of her partner and does the same for him. A woman who relishes the small joys in life and seeks adventure. A woman with integrity and flaws. Standards and grace. For herself and for others. I love the times we have together exploring the City she has come to love as much as I do. That is probably the thing that bonded us the most. Well, that and mani/pedis.

I hope to have some relationship with Scott’s other daughter at some point. I have a bad taste in my mouth from the years of toxic behavior and while I’m only hearing it all second-hand, there are times when I don’t think I would like her very much as a person. I know you’re not supposed to say that about your partner’s kids. It’s not nice and I’m sure it’s hard for him to think of her as anything other than his little girl. So in the interest of a future truce and reconciliation, I will save my feelings on that for a more thorough, first-hand observation. Stay tuned.